


You Can Talk To Me

by carolinablu85



Category: As the World Turns
Genre: Cuddling and Snuggling, Family Drama, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-09-24
Updated: 2011-09-24
Packaged: 2017-10-24 00:28:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 15,529
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/256812
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carolinablu85/pseuds/carolinablu85
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What if Faith had told Noah about seeing Lily and Damian kiss? The latest Snyder Family Drama leads Luke and Noah to some realizations about their own relationship.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. One

**Author's Note:**

> Set in summer 2009, right after Holden's "death" and Noah's trip to LA

“If you see her, will you please call me?”

“Yes, about a thirty minutes ago. She just ran off. You haven’t seen her?”

“I was hoping she might have shown up at your place… Okay. Can you ask Parker if he knows where she is?”

“Alright, thanks. Yeah, keep me posted,” Luke hung up his cell phone with a heavy sigh. Everything was accompanied by a heavy sigh anymore. Everything was heavy. His eye lids, his head, his chest… Life was just weighing him down right now. His dad was gone. _Gone_ , for good, and Luke was at a point where acknowledging the heaviness was a lot less painful than acknowledging the loss.

And now Faith was gone. Not in the same way, thank God, but she was still missing. Apparently she had come back to the house, had a confrontation with Lily and Damian, and ran off. Now Luke was dragging himself through this search party. Huh. He couldn’t really understand why it was called a search ‘party,’ when there was absolutely nothing fun about what was going on right now.

“Anything?” Lily asked him desperately, looking up at him from the spot where she had collapsed on the couch. If Luke could describe himself as heavy, than his mom was definitely ‘collapsed.’ He shook his head unwillingly, and her eyes instantly glazed over with tears.

“She’ll turn up, honey, you know she will,” Emma consoled quietly. “She’s just taking some time.”

Lily nodded absentmindedly, and couldn’t help but turn hopefully to her own mother. Lucinda shook her head as well. “I’ll put in a few more calls, darling. Someone will find her.”

Luke watched as Damian took the seat next to Lily, holding her hand gently. “We’ll all put in a few more calls. Everything will be okay.” Lily didn’t try to nod this time.

Luke watched all of this, trying to find it in himself to react to the sight of Damian holding his recently-widowed mother’s hand. But he didn’t react. Instead he pulled out his car keys. “I’ll go take a look around town, check out her favorite spots.” He offered a smile, weak as it was. “Someone’s bound to see her sooner or later…”

* * * * * * * * * * * *

It was getting late, and Noah’s feet hurt. In all the time he’d worked at Java, they still got sore from standing up and walking around for eight hours straight. Not to mention his headache which had been pounding for days. He just needed one good night’s sleep, but he didn’t know how to make that happen. There was too much stuff going on inside his head, too much to worry about…

He only had about an hour left until he could close, and Noah was this close to punking out and locking the door early when of course it opened. And in shuffled Faith Snyder. Noah’s eyebrows rose involuntarily. He hadn’t seen Faith since before the funeral, but Luke had told him about her freak-out at the church. Looking at her now, Noah could tell whatever was troubling her was nowhere near settled. “Faith?”

She just stared at him for a moment, with eyes that looked so much like Luke’s that Noah couldn’t help but be pulled closer. She took a quick step backwards, and Noah instantly stopped, recognizing the request for space.

“What are you doing here?” He didn’t ask what was wrong. He didn’t ask if she was okay. He already knew those answers. She continued to stare at him before shrugging silently. “Okay.” He felt a little uncomfortable but didn’t know why. He’d always gotten along really well with Faith, with all the Snyder kids. Maybe because he hadn’t seen her or talked to her since Holden’s death. Grief always made him uncomfortable, probably because he’d had more than his share of it in life already.

He pulled from that experience now, remembering how he’d felt, how others had treated him. He gave her a half-smile. “Want something to drink?”

She smiled gratefully. “Iced mocha?”

He bowed gallantly, quirking an eyebrow. “Coming right up.” She slid onto a stool next to the coffee bar as he worked. He stayed quiet and so did she. Neither of them had a need to talk just yet. It was something that had always bonded the two of them from the beginning, their ability to be quiet even in the presence of two very boisterous people (Luke for him, Natalie for her). He finished the mocha, making sure to add extra whip cream and sprinkles, and passed it over to her.

“Thanks,” she responded. She picked up the cup but didn’t drink from it, playing with the straw instead.

Noah cleaned up after himself before taking a seat at the counter next to her. “So what’s up? It’s a little late for you to be here,” he said conversationally. She shrugged again, not meeting his eyes. Noah felt himself frowning in concern. This was more than just a late-night caffeine fix. He began to wonder if the rest of the family even knew where she was. Did Luke know she was here? “Hey, since you’re here, can you watch the front for me for a sec? I have to run in the back and get stuff together before I close.”

“Okay,” she said again, her voice very small. She still hadn’t drank any of her mocha.

“Thanks Snyder,” he said, laying a hand on her shoulder, squeezing it for just a second before standing up. He moved into the stockroom and closed the door behind him, pulling out his phone. He hit Speed Dial 1 and waited for Luke to answer…

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Luke hurriedly picked up his cell from the passenger seat of the car, checking the ID to see if it was anyone calling him back. It was Noah. Luke sighed, putting the phone back down next to him. Noah would understand. He needed to keep the line open in case someone called about Faith. Whatever Noah wanted to talk to him about, it would have to wait. This was more important.

The phone stopped ringing, then immediately began ringing again. Luke checked- still Noah. This time Luke hit the button to send the call to voicemail. If Noah wanted to talk to him that badly, he could leave a message. Luke would listen to it when he had the time…

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Noah stared at the phone in his hand, surprised when it went to voicemail a second time. What the hell was going on with Snyders today? Noah took a deep, calming breath, pushing back the tiniest bit of panic. Faith hadn’t come running to Java because something had happened to Luke, had she? No, no, somebody would have called him. Somebody would have told him. Right?

He waited for the beep, then, “Luke, it’s me. Faith is here at Java, she just came in and looks really upset. I’ll try to keep her here as long as I can, just thought you should know. Call me, please. Let me know if something’s wrong, okay? I love you.” He hung up, running a hand through his hair nervously. What was he supposed to do now? Should he call Lily? He didn’t know if he could speak to her right now, or Emma. Maybe Lucinda would know what to do, or Jack…

“Please don’t call them,” a voice spoke up from the doorway. Noah jumped and turned around, feeling like he’d been caught with his hand in the cookie jar. Faith was holding onto the doorframe, iced mocha cupped protectively against her chest. “Please? I just… I just don’t want to be there right now. I can’t.”

The look on her face persuaded him before her words even registered. Taking a break from a stressful situation, taking time for yourself- if he couldn’t relate to that, who could? “Okay. You can hang out with me for awhile, if you want. That sound cool?” Without waiting for a reply, he moved past her back into the coffee shop, grabbing a towel to start wiping down the counter.

Faith smiled at his back, following him out. “Sounds cool.” She hopped back on the stool, finally take a sip of her drink. “Thanks, Noah.”

He grinned back. “No problem, Snyder.” Then his face got more serious. “I should text Luke though, just so your family knows you’re-”

“No! Please, please, just…” She fidgeted, glancing at the door as though the whole Snyder family (minus one, he reminded himself sadly) was going to burst through at any second. “Can you wait a little while? Besides, you can’t keep me here. If you tell them where I am, I’ll just leave before they get here. I don’t want to see them right now.”

Noah held up his hands, placating. “Okay, okay, no problem. I won’t call. But you have to do something for me. Well, two things.”

She narrowed her eyes, suspicious. “What two things?”

“At some point tonight, you’re going to tell me why you’re here, because I know it’s not for my awesome iced mochas.” He tried to give her a stern face, the same one he gave Luke when Luke got little-kid whiny and wanted everything to go his way. (And yeah, maybe Noah thought Luke was adorable that way, but it didn’t mean he had to give in.)

She didn’t quite have the stamina (or stubbornness) that Luke did, so after a few seconds of wavering, she nodded. “What’s the second thing?” she asked warily.

He tossed the dishrag over to her. “I have to close up by myself. Can you help me out, keep me company?”

The next hour went by so much quicker with Faith around. He showed her how to count out the register and clean up the machines, and she helped clean up the stockroom while he wiped down the tables and counter. The two of them talked about TV shows, movies (he had finally convinced her to watch _Breakfast at Tiffany’s_ a few weeks ago and of course she had loved it), and whatever else they could think of that didn’t have to do with families and funerals and fathers.

Or, at least they did until Noah finally locked the front door, switching the open sign over to closed. “Did you feel like this when your dad died?” a small, drained voice that couldn’t possibly be Faith asked from behind him.

Noah sighed, leaning his forehead against the cool glass of the door for a moment before turning around. This was a Snyder, so he had to tread carefully with his words lest they be misunderstood. But it was also Faith- honesty always worked best with her. She’d had enough people lie to her, keep stuff from her, in her life already. (He could so relate.) “No,” he finally answered straightforwardly.

“Really?” she asked, surprised, almost embarrassed.

He sat back down next to her at the counter, releasing another sigh in relief as his aching feet got a rest. Now if only his head would get a break too… “Really. But, Faith, you know there was so much going on with my dad, none of it good. It’s not the same thing. It never is.”

“Everything just seems so… fuzzy,” she finally said, pushing away her now empty mug. “And I’m just so mad.”

“Mad about what?” Noah asked, intuition telling him that this was the crux of the matter. This was why Faith had shown up at Java at ten o’clock at night not wanting to see her family.

But Faith just shrugged, not wanting to get into it now. Another thing Noah could understand. She stared at him intently again. “But you got over it, right? After your dad died? I mean, I know he didn’t really die, but you thought he was dead. Did it get better?”

Noah opened his mouth and closed it several times. The truth, he reminded himself. He owed Faith at least that. “Honestly? I don’t know if I’ve ever gotten over it. I don’t know if it gets better. It just gets more, um, manageable.” He leaned in closer, a hand going to Faith’s tiny, trembling shoulder. “But you can’t compare our experiences, Faith. Don’t base what you’re feeling on anyone else. Don’t let anyone tell you how to feel. It’s your choice.” He knew that much.

She nodded. “Did you cry over your dad?”

“Yeah,” he answered quietly, remembering. He had cried in Luke’s arms. It had been the first time he could remember crying since he was three.

She looked at him curiously then. “Did you cry over _my_ dad?”

“Yeah,” he said again, even quieter.

Her eyes widened almost comically. “You did?” she semi-squeaked. He nodded. “When?”

He shrugged, finally breaking eye contact. “When I was in LA.” He relived that night- checking into the hotel, dropping his bag in his room… and everything just hitting him. Everything. Holden was dead. Luke had insisted he go. And he was such a selfish bastard, he was actually upset that the Snyders hadn’t asked him to stay for the funeral. How horrible was he? And now that he didn’t have Luke to focus on, his own emotions wanted to get the better of him.

His self-control had started to slip, and suddenly Noah had found himself hiding in the bathroom, turning the shower on and letting the sound drown out his crying. Sitting on that tiled floor for hours, arms wrapped around himself, tears falling. Wanting desperately to call Luke, but feeling way too stupid to do so. So he had curled up in the bathroom nearly the entire night, reliving every moment and every thought he’d ever had of Holden Snyder. That was the beginning of him not getting any sleep, he realized. And possibly a factor as to why his meeting with Mr. Hollywood hadn’t gone perfectly the next day. But Noah found he didn’t care.

Faith eyed him knowingly, eyes way too mature for someone her age. “And Luke doesn’t know, does he?” she guessed. “Why not?”

Noah rubbed at his headache for a second. “Because this isn’t about me, Faith. It’s about your family.”

She frowned. “Aren’t you a part of the family?” she asked, as though the answer were the most obvious thing in the world.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t. But instead of getting into _that_ gray area, Noah directed the conversation back to her. “Luke doesn’t know about you either. That you’re here, I mean. And matter of fact, I still don’t know why you’re here.” Faith swallowed heavily, glancing away. “Come on, Faith. This was part of the deal. What happened today?” She stayed quiet. “You know you can tell me anything, right?”

“I know,” she answered softly. She did know. Noah had always been easy to talk to, because he was quiet and didn’t interrupt to talk about himself and was always honest. Even though he was older and she was just a ‘kid,’ he never treated her that way. He was always… respectful, she decided, was the best word to describe him. Noah treated everyone like they were important.

“Faith?” he prompted quietly.

She sighed, blowing hair out of her eyes. “You have to promise you won’t tell anyone.”

His face gave way from reassuring to doubtful. “I don’t know if I can. If whatever you tell me could hurt someone else, I may have to. But I promise I won’t do anything without you knowing.”

She stared at him for a long moment, deliberating. “I saw Mom and Damian kissing.”

“What? When?” Noah really hadn’t been expecting that. Though, considering the way life had been going lately, he shouldn’t have been surprised. “Today?”

She nodded, eyes starting to well up. “Today… and before Dad left on his trip.”

Noah felt the ground fall out from under him and wondered how he could still be sitting on the stool. Lily and Damian? No, no way. They wouldn’t… would they? He knew Lily had had problems with infidelity in the past, and Damian wasn’t exactly the Saint of Malta, but… they were kissing? Before _and_ after Holden had died? These were two people he respected so much, who- He shook his head, focusing back on Faith. “I’m sorry,” he finally said.

She looked him over cautiously. “You believe me?”

“Of course I do,” he answered immediately, surprised. “You wouldn’t lie, I know that.” He thought for a second. “Did someone think you were lying? Is that why you came here tonight?”

She shook her head. “No one else knows. At least not about today. I told Parker about the first time. But I hadn’t seen them kiss since, and Mom was so upset about Dad, I thought maybe it was a one-time thing. And Damian’s supposed to be with Aunt Meg, so… But then I saw them again today. And I yelled at them, and Damian told me I was imagining things.” Her eyes, still filled with tears, turned angry. “But I wasn’t! I’m not stupid!”

“It’s okay, hon. I don’t think you’re stupid,” he said soothingly, rubbing her back a little. Somewhere in the back of his mind he felt a rise of anger at his boyfriend’s biological father for making Faith feel this way. Something was not right about all of this, that was for damn sure.

She sniffed, wiping hurriedly at her face. “No one’s going to believe me. They’re going to think I’m making it up because I’m upset about Dad. Everyone else thinks Damian is so great right now, but he’s not. But then… things are bad enough. And if people find this out it’ll just get worse.”

He studied her sadly, trying to wrap his head around this. “Are you sure you want to keep this a secret? It seems like it’s really hurting you, Faith. I’m glad you told me, but there’s not much I can do about it either. Maybe if we told-”

“No. I can’t tell Luke. Or anyone. At least, not right now. And I don’t want to go back home, _he_ might still be there,” she shook her head.

They had been kissing in Lily’s house?! Noah couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “Okay,” he drew out the word, glancing around the now-dark coffee shop, trying to come up with a solution that would hurt the least number of people possible. “How about this, how about I call Luke right now-” he held up a hand as she tried to interrupt. “And I tell him you’re over at our apartment watching a movie with me, and you’re probably going to crash there for the night because you’re tired. I mean, even if you don’t want to go home, they’re still your family and they need to know you’re safe. Please let me do that?”

She sat thinking for a moment, Noah carefully quiet next to her, giving her time. Finally she offered a tiny smile, that familiar Snyder spark coming back to her face. “Can I pick the movie?”

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Luke re-entered his family’s living room, exhausted. There had been no sign of Faith anywhere in Oakdale, and they had checked everywhere they could think of. Luke had even swung by Java and peeked in the window, but had only seen Noah cleaning up at the counter and talking to someone in the stockroom, so he left without going in. He hadn’t wanted to explain the current drama- no reason to bother Noah with yet another Snyder crisis- and Luke was just too damn tired to go in, say hi, and pretend everything was okay. Noah would have seen through it anyway.

Grandma Emma had gone back to the farm in case Faith showed up there, and Damian was still out looking, so it was only Lucinda and Lily in the family room when Luke stepped in. He shook his head before they could ask. Lucinda put her hand on Lily’s arm when she made a pained noise, but no words were said. Maybe they were all too damn tired.

The ringing of Luke’s cell phone caused the three of them to jump, and Luke fumbled for his phone shakily as he checked the screen. Then he shook his head. “It’s Noah,” he told them. He quickly sent the call to voicemail and put his phone back.

“You’re not going to answer it?” Lily asked, somewhat surprised.

Luke shook his head. “I have to keep the line open in case someone calls about Faith.” Off of his mom’s still-surprised expression, “Noah will understand. He’s probably just calling to tell me he’s off work and headed to the apartment.”

“Then why don’t you go on home too? You must be tired,” she commented. “Go home to Noah and I’ll call you if anything turns up.”

He shook his head again. “No way, I’m not leaving now. Not until I know Faith is okay. Noah will understand,” he repeated.

Another moment’s silence before Lucinda spoke. “How is your young man, speaking of? Feels like I haven’t seen him in ages.”

Luke put a smile on his face. “He’s fine. Busy, with school and work and the film project. But he’s fine. He was upset he couldn’t come to the funeral-”

“Of course he was, dear, we know he would have come if he could,” Lucinda said assuredly. Luke felt a smack of guilt for that, knowing it was because of him that Noah wasn’t at the funeral. Just another bad decision Luke had made in a long line of bad decisions. He shook himself when he realized his grandmother was talking again. “How is he doing, dealing with all of this? It must bring back some painful memories for him.”

“He’s fine,” Luke said again, eyeing his cell phone when another voice mail icon popped up. He sighed, wondering where Faith could be right now, if she was okay, wondering what had made her run in the first place. He couldn’t believe he had let this happen- he was the older brother, it was his job to look after his siblings when bad things happened. And this was pretty much the baddest of bad things. And yet here he was, helpless and scared. And feeling like such a failure. First with his father, and now his sister. When was it going to stop?

* * * * * * * * * * * *

They settled on the couch with a bowl of Kettle Corn and two mugs of tea, Noah pretending to groan as they started to watch _My Fair Lady_ for fifteenth time this month. It was Faith’s favorite movie, Noah knew, which was why he only put on a show of protest even as he got comfortable in front of the TV, Faith leaning in close next to him.

“You called Luke?” she asked hesitantly, even as she scooted in so she was tucked in close to his side.

“I left him a message,” he answered, lifting his arm so she could get comfortable, then dropping it back down so it rested on her shoulders. He didn’t want to think about why Luke wasn’t answering. He was just worried about Faith and distracted, Noah was sure that was what it was.

They were both quiet for a few seconds when suddenly, “Do you think my mom loved my dad?” Faith near-whispered.

The question threw Noah so much he almost physically jumped. But he couldn’t have jumped, because he was oh-so-very frozen right now. Frozen. How the hell was he supposed to answer that? _Damn it Luke, where are you?_ This was so out of his area of expertise. Movie talk? Fine. Heart-to-heart reassurances about parents? No friggin’ way. But it was Faith, so he had to try. “Yeah, I do.”

“Then how could she-”

“Faith, I’m not exactly an expert on parents,” he managed to say without sounding completely pathetic. “But I do know they make mistakes. Just like kids do, only their mistakes can have way bigger repercussions. But, just because they sometimes do… bad things? It doesn’t mean they’re totally bad people.” Well, that goes against everything he thought about his own father, but Lily? Holden? Even Damian? He had way too much belief in them. “Your mom’s not going to be perfect. But I totally, without a doubt, _know_ that she loved your dad. Still does.”

Faith was silently crying, tears dropping onto his shirt. He didn’t move beyond squeezing her shoulder tightly, dropping his chin onto the top of her head in some semblance of a hug that wouldn’t crowd her. “It’s just that… when she makes mistakes, she really makes them,” Faith grumbled.

Noah fought to keep his slightly-hysterical laugh down to a soft chuckle. “I’m starting to think that’s the Snyder way,” he teased lightly, laughing again when Faith smacked him in the chest. “Come on, let’s watch the movie, _Snyder_ ,” he suggested.

Even though the lights on screen and the hum of the television set was aggravating his headache, Noah pressed play on the DVD player, sliding down a bit so his head rested on the back of the couch. Faith curled up next to him, head still resting against his side. The feeling of warmth next to him, of someone depending on him and wanting him there ( _still such a selfish bastard, Mayer_ ) was enough to calm Noah’s headache to a dull throb. Pretty soon he was asleep. After pulling a blanket up over the both of them, Faith was nodding off not long after.

And that was how Luke and Lily found them an hour later…

  
TO BE CONTINUED


	2. Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Misunderstandings and arguments lead Luke to regretting his words and Lucinda to knocking some sense into Noah.

The little blinking envelope on the screen of his cell phone was just mocking him at this point. Luke finally picked it up and examined it, wondering how something so silent could be so loud. With a flash, he realized he was feeling guilty- he really should listen to the messages and call Noah. If the situation were reversed, Luke would be pissed off and/or freaking out right now. Or looking for another ransom note. That thought made him shudder. God, where was Faith?

Luke skipped to the last message just as his mom sat down next to him with a fresh mug of tea. She jumped, nearly spilling the hot liquid on her dress, when Luke grabbed her arm. His eyes were wide and glancing around wildly for his keys. “Luke, what-?”

He shook his head to silence her, hitting his speakerphone and replaying the message he had been listening to. “ _Hey, it’s me. Um, again. I don’t know if maybe you didn’t get my last message? Faith’s still with me, we’re going to go back to the apartment and watch a movie. I think she’s feeling better, but she’s still upset. She won’t let me bring her home yet. Maybe you could come here and talk to her? Call me back. I love you_.”

“Noah,” Luke managed to gasp out. “Faith is with Noah.” He hurried after his frenzied mother, already on her way out the door.

The sight that greeted them when they burst into the apartment would have turned Luke into a puddle of mush under any other circumstance. Faith and Noah were huddled together asleep on the couch, Noah with one long arm wrapped around her as she curled in close to his body. Her hand was grasping his Java shirt at his chest, a blanket covering them both.

Luke’s first instinct would normally be to snap a picture for future blackmail purposes (and frame an extra copy to give to Faith for her birthday), but right now he was just so friggin’ relieved that his sister was safe- _alive_ \- that he could only suck in a giant amount of air, holding his mom’s arm tightly.

Lily’s first instinct was apparently to yell. Loudly. “Faith!” Both Faith and Noah awoke with a start, nearly jumping off the couch. Faith then hugged the blanket tighter to her body as thought it would act as a shield. Noah squinted his eyes immediately, one hand coming up to rub hard at his head before he realized who was standing in the doorway. The hand dropped just as quickly. Luke’s ‘boyfriend alarm’ started to go off, but he was still too relieved and shocked to function right now.

Yet Lily apparently had no such problem. “Do you have any idea how worried, how _terrified_ , we’ve all been? What were you thinking?!” She shook her head, tears falling uncontrollably. “We’ve been looking everywhere for you, where have you been?”

Faith didn’t answer right away, didn’t move either. She just glared at her mother. Luke was a little taken back by the fire he saw there. Whatever had been bugging her since the funeral- before?- was obviously still there. Poor Noah was stuck in the middle, arm still draped around Faith, looking both nervous and… sad? Luke was really, really confused. “Faith, are you okay?” he finally spoke up. It seemed to diffuse the situation a bit, and if anything else, at least Noah looked grateful.

Faith and Lily were still glaring at each other, but thankfully his sister nodded to his question. “Come on, Faith. Let’s go home,” Lily grabbed Faith’s jacket off the hook by the door.

“No,” the girl responded immediately. “I’m staying here. Noah and I were watching a movie, he said I could stay here tonight!” Luke raised his eyebrows at his boyfriend, somewhat amused when Noah flushed red at his name being brought into the argument.

“Well, that was very nice of him, but it doesn’t matter. We’re going home. Now, young lady.” Luke could feel Lily shaking under his grip.

When Faith opened her mouth to argue again, Luke had to intervene. “Faith, please. You can spend the night some other time, okay? There’s been enough excitement for one day. Noah and I are pretty tired.” Faith turned her glare to him for a second, and Luke irrationally wanted to glare right back. _What did_ I _do_? But he stopped when Faith next turned to look at Noah pleadingly. Noah looked right back at her, and they seemed to carry on a conversation without words. Luke would never understand how anyone could do that. Words were way too important to him.

“It’s probably a good idea, Snyder,” Noah said softly. “You and your mom could talk. About stuff.” He gave her a pointed look that had her wilting just a little, and Luke had to yet again hold back an irrational glare. What could Faith tell Noah that she couldn’t tell her own brother?

“I don’t want to! Why should I? It won’t matter!” Faith was reaching her limit, Luke could tell. She used to sound like that when she was little and had missed her nap. “She won’t listen to me!”

“Faith…” Noah whispered, thrown off by the sudden volume in her voice.

“Faith Snyder, whatever your problem is, we will discuss it together. Tonight. At home. Now let’s go!” Luke decided his mother was also probably in need of a nap.

Faith looked like she was about to yell again, but Noah intervened before she could. He stood up from the couch, hiding a wince at the sudden change in elevation, and held his hand out to Faith. When Faith took it, looking slightly hopeful like Noah was going to let her stay, he shook his head and gestured towards her mother. Faith’s glare centered on Noah for just a second, but then she sighed and stood up, going over to Luke and Lily.

Luke gave her a brief hug, wishing he knew what the hell was going on, and then passed her over to Lily. She looked like she was somewhere between wanting to hug Faith and wanting to slap her. She obviously couldn’t stop herself from beginning the lecture. “You’re old enough to know better, Faith! You can’t just go running off, not now! Didn’t you think about your family at all?”

Faith’s eyes grew impossibly wide. From where he stood, Luke saw Noah wince at that and again had to wonder what was going on. Faith yanked her jacket out of Lily’s hands and stormed out. “I’ll be in the car!” she shouted in all her teenage glory, slamming the door shut behind her.

For a second all was silent and still in the apartment, before Luke let out a heavy sigh. “Wow,” was all he could say.

Noah took a tentative step closer, hands shoved deep into the pockets of his jeans. He looked at Lily hesitantly. “I’m sor-”

“What were you thinking, Noah?” Lily was beyond rational thought at this point, and she just needed a target at this point. Luke could feel the storm brewing, and had a sudden realization that this was where he got his uncontrollable temper tantrums from. It was a slightly sobering experience. “Why didn’t you call us? Why didn’t you let her family know she was alright? It was _not_ your place to-”

“Mom,” Luke cut in, shocked. He wanted to move, step towards Noah or at least step between them, but his feet were still rooted to the spot. Lily turned wild eyes towards him, about to start in on him next.

“I’m sorry, Mrs. Snyder, I really am,” Noah said softly. Both Luke and Lily stilled at his words. Noah hadn’t called her ‘Mrs. Snyder’ in a long time. She had, in fact, been the very first adult Noah had ever met to insist he use their first name. Before that, the most familiar Noah got with an adult was _sir_ or _ma’am_. He was standing almost hunched over now, trying desperately to maintain eye contact with her. “I didn’t know…”

Lily stared at him hard, finally deflating. She attempted a smile. “No, Noah honey, I’m sorry. This isn’t your fault. Thank you. Thank you for looking after her.”

He shrugged, trying to smile back. “You don’t have to thank me for-”

“No, no, of course I do. You didn’t have to take care of her like that. You’re very good to this family, Noah,” Lily said more genuinely.

“Mom,” Luke stepped in again, physically this time. The look on Noah’s face wasn’t really getting any better, his polite smile looking more and more pained. Luke had to do something to get his well-meaning mother to stop. “Faith might be trying to hotwire the car right now. Maybe you should take her home.” Lily nodded, more than a little dazed by everything. She gave Luke a half-hearted hug and kiss on his cheek and left without another word, obviously preparing for the World War 3 that awaited her on the ride home.

Luke shut the door behind his mother, letting out another deep and heaving sigh. _A vacation. I just need a vacation right now_. _From life_. He turned back to Noah, ready to apologize for his crazy family, but Noah was no longer standing next to him. “Noah?” he called as he moved back into the doorway to the living room.

Noah was cleaning up the aborted movie night, turning the TV off, picking up the bowl of barely-eaten popcorn and the mugs of tea. “Yeah?” he replied without looking up. In fact, it looked like he was doing his best to not look at Luke at all.

“You okay?” he asked quietly. He could tell from the jerky movements and eyes-not-completely-open that Noah had a headache. So he lowered his voice a little and didn’t flick on the light as he followed Noah into the dark kitchen. Noah just nodded, that perpetually worried look he had been sporting for days still stuck on his face. Luke watched as Noah cleaned out the mugs and popcorn bowl before setting them to dry in the dish rack. “You sure?”

Noah paused in his cleaning, turning back to finally look at Luke. Luke was shocked by the pure weariness he saw in his boyfriend, so much like his own reflected back at him. “I wish you had told me Faith was missing,” Noah said quietly, leaning back and gripping the edge of the counter behind him tightly.

Luke stayed where he was, leaning against the doorframe. He liked the feeling of something so stable right behind him, because everything in front of him was definitely unstable. “Hey,” he tried to sound soothing. “Don’t worry about my mom, she didn’t mean it, she was just upset-”

“I don’t care about that, Luke. That’s not why you should have told me,” Noah voice was getting higher pitched, a sure sign that he was trying to lock down on his emotions. And for the life of him, Luke couldn’t figure out why.

“Tell me what’s wrong,” he said, direct and simple. He felt a flash of guilt, because he was using the tactic Noah had yet to realize _was_ a tactic. If Noah had anything ingrained into him from his childhood, it was to follow orders. Luke pushed aside that bitter taste and focused on what was in front of him.

Noah drew in a hitched breath, pinching the bridge of his nose tightly. “It’s just… you know what, don’t worry about it. I’m being stupid and selfish. You’ve been through enough lately and you don’t need-”

“I think I get a say in what I do or don’t need,” Luke cut in softly. Part of him wanted to move forward and hug Noah’s headache away, but another part of him was starting to get agitated, defensive. He had to stay with his back against the wood frame. It was steady. Solid. Like he needed to be.

Noah nodded, finally letting his hand drop away from his face. “Okay. _Why_ didn’t you tell me Faith was missing?”

“Because, Noah,” and this time Luke was fighting off the sigh, “I didn’t want to bother you with more of my family’s crazy drama. I didn’t want to drag you into it again, you don’t need that, and-”

“Don’t I get a say into what I do or don’t need too?” Noah wasn’t looking at him again.

“Noah... I can’t do this right now. I just can’t.” His arms were wrapped around himself now. Tight. He could feel his own fingers digging into his upper arms.

“Do what?” And there was Noah’s wounded-puppy look.

Luke was starting to get angry. Noah already looked resigned to losing this fight ( _when had it become a fight_?) and for some reason that pissed Luke off. Maybe because Luke didn’t want to feel like the bad guy in the end. Or because Noah giving up on this fight just reminded him of Noah’s old habit of letting himself get pushed around. Either way, his grip on himself just got tighter. “I can’t have this discussion. I’m a mess right now, okay? And I’m sorry I haven’t been around a lot. It’s just all this stuff with my family, I feel like I’m falling down a sinkhole. I can’t keep up with everything.”

Noah nodded. “I know, I’m sorry, I really am. I just…”

“Just what?” He always did this, he always let Luke find out he was upset but never wanted to press the issue enough to deal with it.

“I want to help, Luke,” Noah insisted, pleading. “I just want you to tell me what I can do to make things better.”

“There isn’t anything!” Luke burst out, regretting it when Noah winced at the volume, one hand almost going back up to his head before dropping again. “You can’t do anything. No one can. And I’m sorry, but you have to understand that I can’t… I have to help my family right now. I have to take care of them.”

“I know,” Noah was still very, very quiet.

“I have to take care of them,” he repeated firmly.

Noah nodded, finally meeting his eyes again. “But I want to take care of you.”

Normally, on _any_ other day, that would have been enough. Luke would have melted, he would have realized they were just fighting about _loving_ each other so much that they didn’t know what to do, and they both would have cried a little and gone to bed, possibly to do more than sleep. But that was any other day. Today, his baby sister had been missing for hours, his biological father was holding his mother’s hand, and his dad was still dead. Today sucked. “Noah…”

Noah gave a little laugh, and there was no humor in it. “What did I do wrong now?”

Luke bit the inside of his cheek to keep from snapping something he’d regret. He reminded himself it wasn’t Noah’s fault and then tried to respond civilly. “I’m sorry, okay? But I can only do so much right now to function. I can’t be the son and brother I have to be right now, and the perfect boyfriend. Please, just bear with me a little longer?”

“I’m not asking you t-!” Noah cut himself off, shaking his head, laughing that bitter laugh again. “I can’t do anything right, can I?” he mumbled, so quietly Luke wasn’t actually sure he heard it correctly.

The kitchen fell completely silent, and Luke could actually hear the faint noise of their neighbors in the apartment next to them. “What’s going on, Noah?” Luke finally asked.

Noah’s eyes were very tired and very sad. “You need to talk to Faith. She, um, she has a reason to be upset.” He shook his head. “It’s not good. Your family’s going to need you, and I…” he looked away from Luke, staring at the hand-drawn pictures Natalie and Ethan had insisted they hang on the fridge. Doodles of flowers and dinosaurs and barns with horses in front. And one paper with a drawing of a family in front of a house. Noah forced himself not to count how many stick figures were there, not wanting to come up one short. He turned back to his boyfriend. “I understand, alright? You need to be with your family right now, I get it. Just don’t forget that I’m here for _you_.”

Luke went back through what Noah had said. “Talk to Faith? Why can’t I talk to you about it?” he asked.

Noah looked at him, some fire and frustration finally coming back to his gaze. “Because honestly? I don’t know if I’m allowed to be involved.”

“What?” Luke was confused now, really confused. He couldn’t control this conversation, and that just aggravated him even more. If he knew what Noah was talking about, maybe he’d know what to say to end this.

His boyfriend shrugged. “You don’t want me around, but you get mad when I leave you alone. You don’t want me to help, but you snap at me for going to work and working with Ma- working on the film. I can’t keep track of it anymore, Luke. I don’t know what to do.”

“I don’t know what to do either!” Luke was just this side of shouting, grief and confusion making him lose his volume control. “My _dad_ died, okay? Cut me a little slack here!”

“I am!” Noah’s voice was also starting to get louder. “But it seems like everything I do is wrong! It can’t stay like this or…” he took a breath, trying to calm himself. “You want to know why I’m upset? Because I’m a selfish, pathetic shell of a person.”

“What?”

“People keep telling me I’m a part of the family. But I’m not.” Noah’s eyes were burrowing into his now. “I’m not, am I? You can tell me that all you want, but when it comes down to it, I’m just your boyfriend. Most of the time, it doesn’t matter whether I’m around or not.”

Luke was shocked into silence for a few moments. Noah really thought that? How long had he been feeling this way? Why hadn’t he brought it up earlier? “You really think that? Noah-”

“Don’t. I’m not looking for reassurance or pity. And I’m not blaming you, at all. I’m stating fact. I just have to accept it.”

“Hey,” Luke finally took a step away from the shelter of the doorway. A step closer to Noah. He frowned when Noah pushed himself back against the counter, nowhere left for him to run. _And yet, Noah is still trying to run_. “I’m sorry if you feel that way. But it’s not true. I mean…” He trailed off, trying to find the best explanation. “You just don’t understand what it’s like right now, Noah.”

And that was apparently not the best explanation. Noah’s eyes were burning brightly. “ _I_ don’t understand? Out of every- I’ve had parents leave me and die, and leave me and die and leave me again. And you think I don’t understand what you’re going through?”

“No! No, you don’t!” Luke found himself shouting. “You really want to compare what it’s like to lose the Colonel with losing _Holden Snyder_? You think it’s anything close to the same?”

Noah couldn’t help but flinch at the suddenly yell, and the words that came with it. “Of course it’s not the same. But you don’t have to be so alone right now. I know how you feel, that’s all I-”

“You don’t know how I feel, Noah. Your father is still alive. You can’t possibly know how I feel,” Luke had somehow gotten a few steps closer, almost within arm’s reach of his boyfriend. They were both nearly vibrating with reigned-in emotions.

“But I did lose my dad. A-and my mother is dead. I’m not trying to turn this into a contest. I’m trying to get you to… to come back to me.”

Noah looked so lost and worried then, and it just pushed Luke that much further over the edge. “You just don’t get it, okay? I can’t be _me_ right now, I have to take care of like twenty people. And make sure they’re okay, make sure they’re eating and sleeping and not going over the deep end. And now whatever this thing with Faith is- that you won’t tell me, despite apparently wanting to be involved- and I…You need to back off, Noah. Let me deal with this my way.”

Noah shook his head. “Your way doesn’t seem to include me.”

“Then I’m sorry! But this is the only way I can deal right now!” Luke ran a hand through his own hair, exhaling loudly. “How many times do I have to tell you this: You don’t understand! This thing with my family, you have no idea how it works, how could you? You’ve never been a part of a family-”

And then suddenly there was no more oxygen in the room. Or at least it felt that way. The look of quiet devastation on Noah’s face pulled all the air out of Luke’s lungs. “Okay,” was all he said.

“God, Noah, I didn’t-” Luke took another step closer, his heart thudding painfully when Noah moved away from him. Crap.

“Yes you did,” Noah nodded, as though confirming something. As though Luke had confirmed something for him.

“No, no, I just meant…” he stopped again as Noah took a few long strides, getting around him and heading for the door. _No, no, no, no, no_. “What are you- where are you going?”

Noah was already at the door, but he didn’t move to open it. Luke felt hope blossom in him for just a second before Noah turned back around to look at him. Then it died. Noah may have been standing in the room, but he was already gone. “I need to go for a walk,” he said simply, coldly. “I’m not running away. I’m not leaving you. I just need to- I need to go for a walk. I’ll be back when I’m done feeling like this.”

“Noah-” but the door was opened and shut before Luke could even get his name out. And then Luke was alone in the apartment, and the silence was screaming in his face.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

And to top it all off, his head still hurt. That was really all Noah could concentrate on right now. He had walked all the way from the apartment to Old Town, feeling like a stranded man trudging through the desert. And Al’s had seemed like an oasis. But standing between the two sets of doors, Noah had seen Henry and Vienna together inside, and he had promptly turned around and left. He just couldn’t deal right now- not with their cheery conversation or (God forbid) concern. And he couldn’t be around a happy couple right now, he just couldn’t.

He wandered for a bit longer before somehow ending up in the cemetery. He walked the familiar path to the far right corner to the marble headstone third from the end and sat down in front of it, long legs tucking up to his chest. No one would find him here. No one even knew that he came here on a regular basis. He rested his forehead on his knees and tried to remember what breathing was supposed to feel like.

 _You’ve never been a part of a family-_

And sometimes Noah wondered if he ever would be. He sat there for he didn’t know how long, dusk slowly fading into night, shadows from the trees stretching out until everything was in darkness. And he couldn’t help but think that was appropriate.

His phone had been buzzing regularly. Noah’ brain was too fuzzy at the moment to carry out a conversation, so he let it go to voicemail. He had had enough of words, of thinking, for one day. In that moment he longed for the days when all he had to worry about were psycho-abusive fathers or fake twins holding him for ransom. You know, simpler times. _Everybody knows it sucks to grow up_ , he hummed to himself. He’d had that song stuck in his head all day.

Briefly, Noah wondered if he should find some place to stay for the night. He was scared to go back to the apartment. He wasn’t sure what would be there, if anything would be there. But scrolling through his phone, he realized anyone he could call was someone he knew through Luke. The only people in his phone not tied to Luke were Jeff and Kayla from Java, a couple friends from his film classes, and Mason. No one he was close enough or comfortable enough with to crash on their couch. He had no one. _Story of my life_.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this. Not anymore. He wasn’t supposed to go back to being the castaway, the lonely kid sitting in the corner hoping someone would notice him. He had learned what being a family was all about, and he had liked it. And he had thought he was getting _good_ at it. He had been the one to encourage Luke to make peace with Damian, hadn’t he? (Though of course _that_ was biting him in the ass right now.) He had helped when Eliza had gone missing, he had been there for Lily when Luke refused to work at the foundation. He had finished running that rally after Luke had been hit by the car. He had…

Noah shook his head, reminding himself about the whole him-being-a-selfish-bastard thing. He had also been the one to friggin’ marry someone else. And go to LA with a teacher Luke didn’t like (he could definitely tell) instead of going to Holden’s funeral. And he had just picked a fight with his boyfriend (whose dad had just died) because Luke wasn’t paying enough attention to him. Noah wasn’t a perfect boyfriend, that was for sure. Maybe Luke was right.

 _-you have no idea how it works, how could you? You’ve never been a part of a family-_

But Noah couldn’t go back to the apartment just yet. That had hurt too much. Partly because Luke should have known it would hurt, and partly because it was true. Maybe Noah would never figure out how families worked. And maybe he’d be better off for it?

Life was just so scary and uncertain right now. He had no idea where he’d be or who he’d be a year from now. He was graduating from college soon. He was trying to become successful in an industry where he was way more likely to fail. And the most constant relationship in his life seemed to waver every day between happily-ever-after and a Jerry-Springer-smackdown.

Every decision he made from here on out could impact his entire future, and that was terrifying. He was pretty sure that sometimes the pressure to make the right decision caused him to panic into making the one wrong. _Everybody knows it sucks to grow up_ …

His phone vibrated again, just once. A text message. Noah couldn’t stop himself from glancing downwards, and was surprised to see it was from Casey. _U ok? Where r u? Luke is freaking out. Call me back._

Noah stared at the message, not knowing how to respond. He didn’t want anyone to worry, but he wasn’t ready to deal with any of it either. But he felt bad that Casey was involved now. He was probably just looking out for Luke. Noah sighed and picked up his phone, sending Casey a quick text back. _I’m fine. Don’t worry._

Only seconds after he pressed send another text popped up. _Where r u?_ This one he didn’t answer. Mostly because he didn’t want to be found yet, and partly because telling Casey he was visiting his mother’s grave sounded way too pathetic. Even for him.

He stared at the headstone for awhile longer, completely numb, when he suddenly felt a hand on his shoulder. Twisting sharply upwards, he was greeted by the stern but surprisingly warm gaze of one Lucinda Walsh. “What… what are you doing here?” He stumbled to his feet, instinctively looking for a chair to pull out for her before remembering where they were. _Idiot_.

“Looking for you, of course,” Lucinda replied the same way she always did, as though the answer was the most obvious thing in the world. To her, it probably was. “What are you doing out here, Noah?”

Noah shook his head, wincing when the motion reminded him that he had a headache. “I was… you shouldn’t be out here alone after dark, Ms. Walsh. Is it safe for-”

“Darling, do you really think there’s anything out here scarier than me?” she cut him off.

He couldn’t help the small smile. “No,” he answered honestly.

“Of course there isn’t,” she replied, moving over to a nearby bench to sit down. When she raised her eyebrows at him, Noah realized she wasn’t making a request. Even an unspoken one. He hurriedly (though warily) sat down next to her. “Now do you want to tell me why you’re out here at this time of night? My grandson didn’t give any specifics, just-”

“Luke called you?” he asked, flushing when he realized he had just interrupted Lucinda Walsh of all people.

“Yes. He did indeed. Quite frantically, I have to say. Whatever he said to you, he feels horrible about it.” She fixed him with a demanding stare.

“I know he does,” Noah said quietly, having to look away. She had a stare like Superman’s X-Ray vision; she could see right through him.

“But?” she prompted.

“But… I’m not sure he didn’t also mean it,” he admitted.

Lucinda didn’t speak for a minute, studying him. She was never quite sure what to make of this boy. Every time she thought she had him figured out, he did something to surprise her. He was still so closed off and a bit repressed, so the stronger emotions burst out of him in a hurricane when he couldn’t hold it in any longer. Mix that with her tempestuous grandson, and drama was bound to happen. “Whatever he said,” she began again, slowly and firmly. “He knows it was wrong. Faith has apparently been reading him the riot act for the past hour as well.”

Noah’s eyes widened ever so slightly. “Faith? Did she-?”

“She came clean about what she saw, yes. So thank you for convincing her to do that,” Lucinda smiled a little, despite the situation. Despite the fact that her daughter and that sleazeball of Italian hair gel had… Lucinda couldn’t think on it right now.

But Noah still looked upset. “How is everyone then? And Luke…”

“Everyone knows now. But leave all that up to me, and Emma. We’ll sort it out. Let’s you and I concentrate right now on _you_ , child. Tell me what happened that caused you to come visit your mother of all people.” Noah was silent for so long she wondered if he was purposefully ignoring her. She tried again. “Does it have anything to do with why you referred to me as ‘Ms. Walsh’ a few minutes ago? Because I thought you were finally comfortable calling me Lucinda, Mr. Mayer.” She emphasized his name on purpose, but this time he didn’t crack a smile.

She watched him struggle for control for a few moments, her worry increasing. Finally, finally, he opened his mouth. “It’s… it’s nothing, ma’am. I just realized something I should have realized a long time ago. It wasn’t Luke’s fault at all, please make sure Faith knows that, and-”

Lucinda held up a hand to silence him. “My dear boy, if you don’t tell me something specific in the next few seconds I will throttle it out of you,” she warned. His eyes widened comically, and she took a little bit of pleasure from the fact that she could still shock him after two years of knowing him. It made her feel less old.

He shook his head. “I don’t want Luke to get in trouble, and I don’t want your pity.” Both of them were surprised by his bluntness.

She recovered first. Of course. “I pity no one that doesn’t deserve it, Noah. Why don’t you test that fact right now? If I say I don’t pity you, then I certainly must mean that. Wouldn’t you agree?”

He shook his head again, almost frantically. “You shouldn’t be wasting your time with me. You should be with your family right now. Please don’t w-”

“Noah Mayer. I will throttle you,” she repeated. And then it hit her- everything he had just said, calling her ‘Ms. Walsh,” Faith’s upset and barely intelligible words (something about Los Angeles?). _Oh, Noah_.

“You don’t have to be here,” he mumbled, trying again, fidgeting with his hands.

They were both silent for a little while then. “How long are you planning on staying here?” she finally asked, looking over at Charlene Wilson’s grave. She noticed how well-kept it was and had to wonder just how often Noah came here. She knew Dusty Donovan had been the one to pay for it (more out of respect for Noah than Cheri), but as far as she knew Donovan hadn’t even thought about it since. Which meant Noah…

Noah tried not to shrug, pretty sure such an indifferent gesture would only annoy Lucinda. “I don’t know where I’m going anymore,” he said without meaning to. Something about this woman made him want to be just as wholly honest as she always was.

Lucinda studied him again, one eyebrow rising. “May I make a suggestion?”

He nodded, daring to look her way. “Of course.”

She smiled fondly. “Go home, darling. Go home and talk to Luke. Settle this, please. You keep things like this bottled inside, and it bursts out at a time and in a manner you can’t control. And it hurts you, Noah. I don’t like to see my boys hurt.”

Something flashed across his face then, something she was fairly sure was denial. “Please,” he nearly whispered. “You don’t have to-”

“I don’t pity you,” she announced, shutting him up. “I’m sorry, for the life you’ve had and for the way you see yourself, but I don’t pity you. You’re a better man than that.” She patted his knee. “We Snyder/Walshes tend to come together and fall apart simultaneously during a tragedy. We lose focus on some things.” Her tone softened when the blue eyes she was watching started to water unintentionally. “Doesn’t mean we don’t still love those things, value them. We just need to be reminded every now and then, I think.” Now she smirked. “Or as someone apparently told Faith, when a Snyder makes a mistake, they _really_ make one.”

Noah gave a watery chuckle, quickly wiping at his eyes, pausing to rub at his head for a second before dropping his hand back into his lap. “I ran away again,” he confessed quietly.

She looped her arm through his and stood, forcing him to stand with her. “Only a little,” she corrected, pausing to allow him one more glance back at the marble headstone before moving towards her car. “And it doesn’t count if you know you’re going back. Come on dear, I’m getting you home. And you better take something for that headache you’re trying to hide. For the love of Saint Peter, child, you have _got_ to take better care of yourself or I don’t care what Luke says, you’ll be coming to stay with me.”

And for that, Noah smiled.

  
TO BE CONTINUED


	3. Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A photo album helps Luke fix things, and Damian learns not to mess with The Noah.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! :)

It was late when Noah finally used his key to slip back into the apartment. How late, he wasn’t sure. He had no idea how long he’d been in the cemetery or how long he’d been with Lucinda. And then Lucinda hadn’t driven him straight home- they had stopped at her house so she could be sure that Noah took something for his headache. The pain had dulled down to a steady throb behind his right eye now, much more manageable than it had been.

He wasn’t sure what he expected to see when he shuffled into the living room. Maybe everything trashed. Maybe Luke passed out drunk on the couch. Maybe all his stuff gone, moved back into Lily’s house. But it certainly wasn’t this- Luke sitting on the couch, a giant photo album open on his lap, two mugs of tea on the coffee table in front of him. “Hey,” the blond said nervously, not getting up from the couch.

“Hey,” Noah replied, just as timid. He stood in the entrance to the room, afraid to come closer but even more terrified to move away. He fidgeted with his phone, sliding it open and shut over and over again. He couldn’t believe how different the mood was compared to how it had been when he stormed out earlier. He didn’t know what to do.

But Luke obviously had a plan. “Come here?” he motioned a little with one hand, patting the cushion next to him. When Noah hesitated a little, Luke tried again. “Please. I want to show you something.”

Noah deliberated for a few seconds while Luke held his breath, but ultimately walked over to the couch and sat down beside Luke. Beside him, but not as close as they would normally sit. Not close enough to touch. A flash of hurt crossed Luke’s face but was quickly shoved away. Noah did feel a little guilty, but not enough to do something about it. Right now he was tired and tense and maybe still a little upset with his boyfriend.

“What is it?” Noah finally asked, almost wary. He was afraid that Luke had just found some creative way to break up with him, and it put him on edge. That would be bad. Sure, Noah might be a little angry, but he wasn’t in any way ready to let go of Luke.

But Luke just smiled, plopping the photo album onto Noah’s lap. Noah looked at Luke questioningly. “Open it,” Luke said quietly. Noah obeyed, flipping through the first few pages of the album. It was filled with old pictures of Luke and his siblings as young children, Lily and Holden holding a baby Natalie, the family in the back of Lucinda’s limo, Emma and Meg together. Each page was almost a timeline of the last ten years of the Snyder family.

Noah looked up about halfway through. “Luke?” He was really confused, and starting to get upset again. He had been reminded about eighteen times in the last twenty-four hours that he was alone in this world. Why would Luke rub it in his face that he had a family and Noah didn’t? “Why are you-?”

But Luke’s smile, caring and reassuring, was still in place. “Keep going.” Unable to stop himself, Luke reached over, his arm brushing against Noah’s (maybe on purpose), and turned a few more pages.

Noah looked down and was startled to see his own face. A picture of him and Luke at the pond, followed by a picture of him and the girls playing the Wack-a-Mole game at an arcade. On the next page one of the pictures was of him, Jack, and Parker throwing football around out next to the barn. Another had a picture of him and Holden standing next to the old pickup truck, both of them leaning against the hood and laughing. And then a page included a shot of him and Emma cooking together in the kitchen, the two of them covered in flour up to their elbows. Another shot of him and Luke, this time attempting to play Rock Band. One from a big Sunday night dinner, and there he was sitting between Luke and Lily. Him and Ethan watching _The Lion King_.

“My mom gave this to me the day we moved in here,” Luke’s voice startled him. He looked up, straight into Luke’s eyes. His boyfriend had moved closer without Noah realizing it, and now their shoulders and sides were touching. There was almost a vibration between them, and Noah had to wonder which one of them was shaking. Maybe both. Luke continued, still smiling. “She had been making it for months, wanted me to have a piece of the family close by for when I started my own.”

Noah was unable to maintain eye contact, looking down at the photos again. His finger unconsciously traced the shot of him and Holden. “Luke…”

“She put those pictures of you in there, Noah. On purpose. And not just because you’re my boyfriend, but because she sees you as a part of her family,” Luke leaned in even closer, daring to rest his chin on Noah’s shoulder. His arms slowly wrapped around Noah’s middle, pulling him closer. “No matter how badly we may fight, no matter what really _stupid_ thing I may say, I will never forget that you’re one of us. And we’re never, ever, letting you go.”

Noah was silent for a little while longer, looking down at the photos. He couldn’t get his brain to work. He swallowed hard, trying to get his throat to work too. He could feel Luke’s arms tighten around him slowly, like Luke was afraid Noah was going to run. Which was silly, really, because Noah couldn’t feel his legs. “Just so I know, how many more really stupid things are you planning on saying in the future?” he asked hoarsely.

There was a brief pause, and then Luke chuckled. Noah could feel it through his shirt. “I never plan the stupid. It just happens.”

Noah nodded, attempting a laugh. He leaned his head back and to the side until he felt it touch Luke’s. Closing his eyes, he rested there for a moment, letting the warmth surround him, allowing himself to pretend that there was absolutely nothing wrong in the world. Luke readjusted his hold and leaned back until they were both resting against the cushions comfortably. Noah pulled the photo album over so it covered both of their laps, flipping through it again.

“I’m so sorry, Noah,” Luke whispered then. “I didn’t mean what I said. I didn’t mean to hurt you. And I don’t mean to push you away. I don’t ever want you to think that I don’t want you around.”

“I just want to be involved,” Noah felt he had to explain, no matter what Luke said. “I don’t mean to make it about me, but I… I think you need me sometimes.”

“I need you all the time,” Luke said much quieter.

Noah shook his head. “I’m not looking for platitudes right now, Luke. I’m looking for straight-up honesty. I need to know what kind of boyfriend you expect me to be, because if I can’t be that-”

“Hey, hey, hey,” Luke sat up a little, pulling on Noah’s shoulders until they were facing each other. “I don’t want to hear this. I fell in love with you- I’m still in love with you- because of who you are. Not because you’re the kind of boyfriend I want. Because you’re _you_.”

Noah took a deep breath, steeling himself. “Then you have to treat me that way.” Luke looked simultaneously startled and confused, so Noah continued. “Sometimes, Luke, sometimes I feel like a toy. Like a toy you play with when the mood strikes you.”

“Noah!” Luke was shocked by the words coming out of his boyfriend’s mouth.

Now that he started, he couldn’t stop. “I mean, you didn’t tell me Faith was missing. You won’t talk to me about your dad, you didn’t tell me you were going to Kentucky when you first heard about the accident. I didn’t even know you weren’t going back to school until way late. Luke, you have to talk to me about this stuff. It’s not just a family thing, it’s an ‘us’ thing. We’re supposed to be… be _partners_ , you know? And there are times when I don’t feel like a partner.” He sat back again, emotionally and physically spent. This had been a long friggin’ day. “I feel like a toy.”

Luke was silent for a long time. A very long time. He looked back up at Noah finally, his eyes immeasurably sad and tired. “I know I’ve used this excuse before, and I hate to use it again, but… but sometimes I don’t know what I’m doing in a relationship. I don’t always know what I’m supposed to do, okay? I don’t know the rules. I hate that I ended up hurting you, but you have to believe I didn’t mean to.”

“I know,” Noah replied simply. “But we keep doing this to each other. Maybe… I don’t know, maybe I’m doing something wrong that-”

“Okay, stop right there.” Luke stood suddenly, pacing a little around the coffee table.

Noah caught the photo album before it could fall, carefully closing it and placing it safely, almost reverently, on the cushion next to him. He watched Luke walk back and forth, frowning in confusion. “What?”

“That. That’s one of our problems, Noah. You have got to stop thinking the worst of yourself. You have to tell me when you’re upset. When you want something. When you’re feeling something that actually has to do with yourself. Because I know you feel like you shouldn’t, and that’s stupid.” He came to a stop right in front of Noah, and Noah unconsciously brought his legs up onto the couch, pulling them up to his chest, trying to feel protected. Luke’s face twitched for less than a second, out of annoyance or sadness or pity Noah didn’t know. “It’s frustrating sometimes. Like there are times I feel I have to be perfect or you’ll get upset with yourself. And when you turn that stuff inward, and you don’t talk to me, it just gets me more…”

“Bitchy?” Noah supplied semi-helpfully, unable to look up at his boyfriend.

Luke’s mouth fought against smiling. “ _Defensive_ ,” he corrected. Growing serious again, “I know it’s not how you’re used to doing things, but you _are_ allowed to think of yourself first sometimes. You are allowed to put yourself first.”

Noah’s head was already shaking. “I don’t want to be-”

“It’s not selfish to think of yourself. Sometimes it’s necessary. Sometimes it’s the right thing to do,” he cut in firmly. Off Noah’s dubious look, he tried again. “If he made you think differently, that’s just another thing he was wrong about.” No need to explain who ‘he’ was.

“Holden just died,” Noah spoke softly. “And your family’s trying to deal, and this thing with Faith, and I know Damian-”

“Let’s not talk about that right now, okay?” Luke said sharply, grimacing darkly.

Noah nodded. “Everything’s crazy right now. I don’t want to add to it, I just want to help carry it.”

“But I don’t want you to be burdened by this stuff-”

“You can’t tell me to put myself first and then take that right away from me!” Noah burst out, looking up at Luke with eyes flashing. Luke’s mouth snapped shut even as Noah kept talking. “You keep making these decisions without me- decisions that involve me! Why, Luke? Why don’t I get a say in my own life? My relationships? You shouldn’t always get to decide what’s best for me!”

* * *

Luke could see twenty years of helpless frustration play out on his boyfriend’s face, and he hated it. He didn’t want to be made to feel like he was treating Noah the same way the Colonel used to. “Then don’t let me!” he shot back. “Fight me on it! Tell me what you’re feeling then, don’t wait until it’s all bottled up like this!” He took a deep breath, knowing he had to calm down. “If you’re not happy, tell me. Because it does matter. To me, to us.”

“I am happy,” Noah suddenly looked panicked. “I am. I love you, I don’t-”

Luke had a sudden flash of memory- Noah’s face when Luke had told him about working for Damian. _Unhappy… just with school…?_ God, how was it that two of the most insecure people in the world ended up in a relationship together? “Do you think I think you don’t love me?”

Noah was silenced for awhile by the question. “Sometimes I guess I feel like I have to remind you. Whether that’s all in my head or not, I don’t know.”

“I don’t know either,” Luke replied, frustration giving way to a weary sadness. He thought of that song Noah had been listening to this morning at breakfast. _Everybody knows it sucks to grow up, but everybody does_. Luke shook himself mentally. No. His life was a mess right now. He couldn’t fix most of it. But one thing he knew he’d always be sure of was him-and-Noah. They loved each other, and that wouldn’t change. He sat down heavily on the couch again, turning to face Noah, who still had his legs drawn up to his chest. “Are you still mad at me?” he asked.

Noah shook his head. “No. Are you still mad at me?”

“No,” Luke mirrored the gesture. He reached out slowly, carefully, pulling one of Noah’s hands away so he could hold it in his. He rubbed his thumb idly onto Noah’s fingers. “I have an idea. A proposition for you.”

One of Noah’s eyebrows raised at ‘proposition’ but he didn’t go for the obvious joke. “Okay.”

“I’ll treat you more like my partner, if- and only if- you start showing me you think of yourself as one. That you think of us as equals.” Because if Noah really thought he wasn’t good enough for Luke…

Noah was quiet for awhile, thinking about God only knew what, before nodding. “Deal.”

“Deal,” Luke echoed. He leaned in and kissed Noah softly, unbelievably happy when Noah responded in kind. When he pulled back he noticed Noah’s free hand come up to rub at his head next to his right eye. “You still have that headache?”

He nodded. “Little bit. Not as bad as it was, Lucinda made me take something for it.”

Luke couldn’t help but grin at the idea of his warhorse of a grandmother mothering Noah. _That would be so awesome to see_. And then another idea sprung to mind. “Hey, come here,” he suggested, patting his leg.

Noah looked confused for a second before his face softened in understanding. He scooted closer and then twisted, lying down on his side with his head resting in Luke’s lap. They both settled comfortably, Luke letting his fingers sift slowly and gently through Noah’s hair. “I love you,” he heard softly.

“I love you too,” Luke replied, putting as much feeling into it as he could.

“Do you want to talk about your mom and Damian?” Noah ventured.

“Do you want to talk about why you’re not sleeping and have this days-long headache?” Luke answered with a question of his own.

Neither of them could answer. It was a rare occasion when they were able to shut each other up like this. Especially considering that usually when it happened it was because their mouths were busy doing something else. But right now, they weren’t even really looking at each other. Luke glanced downward, but could only see a little of the side of Noah’s face, the rest of him pressed into Luke’s thigh.

“Faith yelled at me,” Luke said then, taking the first leap. “I called over after you left, just in case that’s where you were headed, and she answered the phone.” He didn’t know why he thought Noah would go there, when of course he would want to be alone. Casey had even said as much, calling Luke a dumbass in the process. Nearly every friend and family member he had called had said the same thing- Noah wants time to himself, give him some space, etc. Everyone but his grandmother. Luke actually had no idea how or where Lucinda found Noah. That would be something to ask later, when the both of them weren’t so fragile.

He continued. “When I told her you and I had had a fight, she kinda… well, I had no idea her impression of my grandmother was so good.” It had been mildly disturbing _how_ good. He could feel Noah’s smile against his leg even though he said nothing, so he kept talking. “She told me some of the stuff you and her talked about today.” Not some. She had actually told him pretty much everything, in a very loud and shrill tone. Still no response from Noah. “What happened in LA?” he finally prompted.

Somehow, Noah managed a shrug even while lying on one shoulder. “I didn’t have a good time.”

Very simple words, but they hit Luke hard. “That’s not how it seemed when you got back,” he was able to say, hoping Noah wouldn’t take it as an accusation.

Another improbable shrug. “You wanted me to go. I thought you’d want to think I had fun and you made the right decision sending me away. I guess we both know now that it was stupid.”

He couldn’t help but wince at the bluntness of Noah’s explanation. But he was also surprisingly glad to be getting some real answers. “Why didn’t you have a good time?”

“I wanted to be here. Not just for you. For Faith and Nat and Ethan, and your mom and Emma,” a pause while Noah swallowed hard, “and for me.”

Luke’s hand stilled on top of Noah’s head for a moment. “You have a right to mourn my dad too, you know. I’m sorry I didn’t give you the chance.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t ask for one,” Noah replied. One of his hands had crept forward without Luke noticing and was now holding onto Luke’s leg just below the knee.

Luke chuckled then. “Well, when we suck as boyfriends, at least we’re really good at apologizing,” he commented wryly.

Noah nodded. “It makes us special.”

“Yep,” Luke kept up the playful tone. “The most openly neurotic gay couple in Oakdale.”

Noah laughed then, and it was that deep, rich chuckle he didn’t use very often that Luke really loved. “That’s a hell of a title, Snyder.”

Luke lifted his hand long enough to tap Noah on the nose teasingly and then went back to his hair. “We’ve earned it.”

Noah countered with a tap to Luke’s kneecap, just at the reflex spot, causing Luke’s leg to twitch unintentionally. Noah laughed quietly again, but said nothing. They were silent for awhile longer, both of them getting lost in the feeling of Luke’s hand in Noah’s hair. “What are you going to do about Damian?” Noah finally asked.

Luke sighed. “I don’t know. What _can_ I do? Nothing, really. I can’t stop my mom from making a bad decision- again- and I can’t stop Damian from working his agenda. Again. So… I’m just going to try to keep my eyes open and my head clear and make sure nothing bad happens. Make sure the least number of people possible get hurt. I think I can do that much.”

“Luke.” Noah’s voice wobbled for a second. “You mean-”

Luke talked over him, realizing his mistake. “I mean _we_ can do that much. We will do that much. You and I are going to be like the Dynamic Duo of the Snyder family. The righters of wrongs, helping the hopeless, defense against the dark arts, all that stuff. Superheroes, you and me. I’m finally going to get you into a cape and tights, if possible.”

Noah snorted, hiding the slight blush to his cheeks. “Defense against the dark arts? You’ve been reading Natalie’s Harry Potter books again?”

“Don’t you think Damian looks kinda like Voldemort?” Luke mused thoughtfully. He hoped the joking would keep his brain from spontaneously combusting at the image of Damian and his mother kissing. No wonder Faith had been acting so wild lately. God, he hoped kissing was all they had done. Lily swore it was, but Luke wasn’t sure how much he really trusted her right now…

No. No, Luke was done thinking about that drama for the night. He’d had enough of it. To distract himself, he let his other hand rub at Noah’s shoulder and run down his arm. When his fingers hit a raised patch of skin, Luke stopped to look. It was Noah’s scar from the gunshot wound. He traced it with a fingertip, leaning over to brush his lips against it, watching as goosebumps appeared on Noah’s skin.

Sometimes he forgot that whole ordeal had happened, and sometimes he wished he could go back to life right before it, before Damian came to Oakdale, before Noah was assigned to Mason and before Luke started shutting Noah out. Before Holden had… He shook his head again. “Did I ever tell you what happened that first night at the hospital after we got out of the storage locker?” he said quietly.

Noah shook his head, his own free hand reaching up blindly. Luke reluctantly let go of his arm so their hands were now linked together. Noah always got a little more physically clingy whenever the whole kidnapping thing was brought up. Luke suspected it was because Noah’s memories were so warped from being semi-conscious and feverish at the time, that he was still bothered by the ordeal in some ways. “What happened?”

Luke smiled at the memory. “I insisted on spending the night with you, do you remember?” As he spoke, he freed his hands long enough to grab a blanket off the back of the couch and drape it over Noah. “Mom and Dad wanted me to come home to get some sleep, but there was no way in hell I was going to leave you. Not while you were still sick.”

Noah pulled the blanket around himself a little tighter, but didn’t relax again until Luke’s hands were back on him. “That’s when I was all drugged up, right?”

“Right. Anyway, they were all freaked out and not wanting to let me out of their sight. Kinda like how I was with you. And we start arguing about it, and we’re standing around your bed and you’re out of it and not talking and that’s freaking me out even more, leading me to argue even more, and Mom doesn’t want me anywhere unprotected, even though we were at the friggin’ hospital and Zac and Zoe were in jail. And never mind I wasn’t going to leave your side until the doctors were positive you were going to be one hundred percent okay.”

Noah’s eyes were closed now, but he wasn’t asleep. “They had already told you I’d be fine,” he reminded.

Luke shook his head unnecessarily. “Fine isn’t one hundred percent. I wanted one hundred percent.” He settled down so his head was resting against the back of the couch. “Finally, Dad got so fed up with our arguing that he walked right out of the room. Mom and I both thought he was storming off or something, but like two minutes later he comes back with a pillow and a blanket that he stole from the supply closet. He sits down in the chair next to your bed, puts the pillow behind his head and the blanket on his lap and settles down to sleep. Mom and I were just standing there, staring at him.” He couldn’t help but smile, recalling the image. “He said if you weren’t going to leave, then I wasn’t. And if I wasn’t, then he wouldn’t either. And he sat in that chair all night with the pillow and the blanket. Wouldn’t even give it back when the nurses demanded he return it.”

“How does it feel?” Noah’s voice was quiet.

Luke frowned, confused. “How does what feel?”

“Talking about your dad,” Noah answered tentatively.

Luke took in a sharp, surprised breath. He was talking about Holden, probably the first time he’d talked about him with a smile on his face since everything started. “It feels okay.”

Noah’s grip tightened reassuringly around his leg. “That’s how it should be,” he said. Luke waited for him to continue, say something else, but Noah went quiet again.

Luke let his fingers run haphazardly through Noah’s hair, mussing it up a little just for fun, because Noah always thought it was ridiculous when he did that. “I love you,” he said again. Because he never could say it enough. Noah didn’t answer for a long time, causing Luke to frown. _What…?_ But then he looked down again, and had to smile. Noah’s eyes were still closed, and now his chest was moving slowly and deeply. Finally, finally, he was sleeping.

Luke tried to keep as still as possible as he leaned down and kissed Noah’s forehead, right over the spot where his headache had been earlier. Noah shifted a little, his face turning a little more towards Luke even in his sleep and smiling. And even as he started to drift into sleep too, Luke counted that as a victory.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

 _What a difference a day makes_ , Noah hummed to himself as he helped Emma at the kitchen sink. It had been the first Snyder family Sunday dinner since the funeral, and while that in itself was horrible and sad, Noah himself was feeling lighter than he had in a long time. Since their fight two days ago, he and Luke seemed to be on this whole other level of understanding now. Noah couldn’t believe a relationship could actually be like this. That he could feel like this.

He took another dish from Emma to dry, wiping it off even as his eyes strayed out the window towards the barn, where Luke was sitting with Faith. The two of them were in the middle of a deep discussion of some sort, and Noah didn’t know whether or not to be worried. With those two, it could be about anything from Holden vs. Damian to _Vampire Diaries_ vs. _Twilight_ , and anything in between (though if they asked him, nothing would beat _True Blood_ ).

But at least they were talking. Noah couldn’t say the same for Luke and Damian. Luke had barely said two words to his biological father since finding out about him and Lily. Noah didn’t blame Luke at all, of course, but he also hoped Luke wasn’t going to let all this stuff with his family get to him in the long run.

He jumped, startled, when a dish towel swished out to smack him in the face. “Stop worrying so much, sweetie,” Emma said softly, a small smile on her face.

Noah smiled in turn, embarrassed at being caught. “It’s what I’m good at,” he replied, shrugging, turning back to the dishes.

He felt an arm sneak around his waist and hug him close. “Not the only thing,” Emma murmured. Instinctively, he put his arm around her too, hugging back. “Thank you for watching out for both of them. I’m so glad you chose us to be your family, sweetling.” She kissed his cheek before finishing up the rest of the dishes herself. Noah could only watch, eyes a little wide. She turned, saw his expression, and burst out laughing. “Oh, Noah,” she finally managed to say. “You don’t even have to try to make me love you, do you?” It was a rhetorical question, thank God, because Noah wouldn’t have been able to answer anyway. Emma finally caught her breath, shaking her head. “I haven’t laughed like that in awhile. Thank you,” she patted his face and moved off into the living room, still chuckling a little, leaving Noah behind completely stupefied.

He stood there, trying to process what had just happened. How was Emma always able to do that so effortlessly? Her and Lucinda- was that what it was meant to have a grandmother? Noah thought maybe he could get used to it. He looked out the window again, but Faith and Luke had disappeared, probably inside the barn with the horses. Noah went out and sat on the porch to wait for them, taking in the summer evening with a deep, peaceful breath. He noticed then that his headache was gone, and had to smile.

“Hello, Noah.” Damian stood nearby, leaning against the doorframe to the porch.

And then his headache was back. “Damian,” he said politely. And that was it. Polite, because he couldn’t not be polite. But he wasn’t about to invite Damian to sit down for a chat either.

Damian apparently didn’t get that memo. “Mind if I join you?” he asked, moving forward.

“Actually, yeah I do,” Noah answered honestly, looking up at the man. He felt like he was seeing him for the first time, and he didn’t like what he saw.

Damian was more than a little startled. “I’m sorry, Noah, I didn’t-”

“You didn’t what? You didn’t think I’d be upset with what you’ve done?” Noah shook his head, everything starting to boil over inside him. “I defended you. For weeks. When you first got here, no one wanted anything to do with you. I stood up for you with Luke, tried to get him to talk to you. I thought it would be good for him.” He shook his head, starting to glare at Damian. “How wrong was I?”

“You weren’t wrong,” Damian answered firmly.

He shook his head again. “Yes I was. You let me down, and you let Luke down by… by pursuing Lily like this. And you let Holden down too.”

“I’m just trying to be there for-” Damian tried to explain.

Noah wasn’t buying it. “For yourself. You’re messing with them. They’re not your family, okay? You’ve upset Faith, and you don’t even seem to care,” he said incredulously. He stood now, eye to eye with Damian. It was one of the few times he was actually glad to be so tall. Damian couldn’t look down on him. “I’m not going to tell you what to do, or give you any warnings or whatever. I know I don’t have any control over any of this. But I’m telling you now- be careful. I’m going to be here, and I won’t let you hurt them.” He moved in even closer. “You try anything, and I’ll stop you.”

Damian regarded him seriously, looking him up and down. A lifetime of being intimidated helped Noah now; he stood his ground firmly. “You have nothing to worry about, Noah.”

Noah nodded. “I better not.” He heard voices coming from the entrance to the barn, Luke and Faith were about to come back out. He moved passed Damian, going out to the yard.

“Noah,” Damian called him back, causing him to turn back to the porch. Damian was studying him again. “Why are you…?”

Noah didn’t have to know what Damian was asking. “Because I don’t know if I trust you. And I won’t let you hurt my family.” And with that, he left Damian behind, joining Faith and Luke over at the open corral. His family. Noah was just starting to realize what that meant, and he wasn’t going to let anything take that away from him now. He was going to take care of them. For Faith, for Emma and Lucinda, for Holden. For Luke. For himself.

THE END


End file.
